MarySue Guide to Surviving Camp Greenlake
by grab bag
Summary: An instructional pamphlet recovered from the bus to CGL, which provides inside information for the Mary-Sue who is about to find herself at Camp Greenlake. Similar to "The Tough Guide to Fantasyland" if that helps.
1. Title Page

SNOW DAY! SCORE! Due to the nature of weather on this fine sparkling day, which contributed to my not being at school today, I have celebrated by beginning a crazy new fanfic. I'm sure you'll like it ever so much. It's going to be a few chapters, but the snow gives me a jumpstart! Enjoy!

Oh, and because of the style of this fanfic, this will be the only author's note for the entire thing, to provide uninterrupted humor.

Disclaimer: Holes is Louis Sachar's.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Guide to Surviving Camp Green Lake**

The Mary-Sue Edition

            Hi!  If you're reading this, chances are you are sitting in a yellow school bus, which is currently making its way down a dirt road in the middle of Texas.  It doesn't matter where you're from, at least not yet, but the point is that you got here.  You are on your way to Camp Greenlake Penitentiary for Boys.

"For boys?" You may find yourself asking.  "If it's for boys, then what am I, a _girl,_ doing at a boys prison camp?"  Ah, my friend, you have asked the question that has plagued canon writers since the beginning of time.  You are here because of who you are (or who you were written as).

            The Holes Canon Authors Revolution has graciously provided this instructional pamphlet to make your time at Camp Greenlake the most fulfilling and useful.  It will teach you vital survival skills, such as:

Using who you are to get away with various misdemeanors. How to interact with a camp full of female-deprived boys. How to get the D-tenter of your choice! How to dig holes and survive the wildlife. How to avoid stumbling into a coherent plot. And much more! 

A lot of time and effort has gone into making this pamphlet as accurate as possible, and we are confident that when your stay at Camp Greenlake is over, you will return home, proud to tell all your friends, "I made it as a Mary-Sue!"

            To make the most use of this pamphlet, it is necessary to find out who you are as a girl at Camp Greenlake.  We ask you to choose one of the character descriptions below which best fits your situation.

The Basic Mary-Sue

            The most common type of girl at Camp Greenlake.  Often sent because of a mistake or misunderstanding, but nobody believes her.  Very often there is little explanation as to why she is sent to a boys camp, other than the camp suddenly turning co-ed (even though she is usually the only girl there).  Usually identifiable by her poor grammar and vocabulary, although can remain well hidden until later on, when she develops a crush on a D-tenter.  In parodies is most often described as having strange colored hair, a ridiculously long, mostly Japanese name, and everyone seems to either hate her or love her.  But we know this is just a load of hogwash.

The Mary-Jane

            The second most common girl, she is either the rough tomboy or the sexy girl with a bad attitude.  Did something illegal to get there, ranging from shoplifting and trespassing to fights and murder.  Almost always sent because all other girl's camps could not handle her.  Usually hardened from the inner city or a rebel from the suburbs.  Identifiable by cursing and slang, "punk" or "gang" clothing upon arrival, and her eventual relationship with either Magnet or Squid.  Rarely written about in parodies.

The Peggy-Sue

            Not as common as her sisters Mary-Sue and Mary-Jane, the Peggy-Sue is the most timid and shy of the girls.  Sent because of a dare that got out of control, a mistake, or being framed and couldn't stand up for herself.  Sent because all the other girl's camps were full and CGL was the only one with available space.  Usually quiet, sometimes has a rough past, which contributes to her timidity.  Identifiable by her ability to connect to the boys and by being a good companion.  Her relationships are either with Stanley, Zero, comforter to Zigzag, or emotional tamer to Squid.  Hardly seen in parodies.

The Relative

            More common than you might think, the Relative is usually the Warden's niece, although occasionally her daughter, 2nd cousin, or similar.  A rarer version is the relative of any of the counselors or campers, usually Stanley's.  Sent to Camp Greenlake to visit, and often made to dig holes anyway.  Identifiable by her spunk, physical resemblance to her relative, and relationship with any of the D-tenters (except her relative).  The Relative can double as another form of Mary-Sue.  Also rare in parodies.

            If you do not fit into any of the above groups you are either:

A Boy

            Please see Stanley Yelnats' Guide to Surviving Camp Greenlake.

A Girl

            If you are a girl and NOT a Mary-Sue, please see How to Remain in Canon and Survive Camp Greenlake: The Fan Girl's Edition.

            Keeping this knowledge of your character in mind, you may proceed to read the pamphlet in either portions pertaining to your character, or read the whole thing if you prefer.  Good luck!


	2. Your Arrival

Chapter 1 

Your Arrival

            So you've been sent to a labor camp for boys in the middle of a Texas lakebed.  What can you expect on your arrival?  Several things are standard for everyone, while others are different from person to person.  Here is a basic synopsis of your first day at Camp Greenlake.

All Mary-Sues will meet Mr. Sir, who will explain the purpose of being here.  You are to dig one hole each day, 5-foot deep by 5-feet in diameter, using your shovel as a measuring stick.  Use of showers, clothing, and the wreck-room/dining hall will be explained.  You will meet your counselor Mr. Pendanski, who will introduce you to your tent mates.  All Mary-Sues are part of D-tent, regardless of where they sleep.  You will receive a nickname, and eat dinner in the mess hall where you will meet your tent mates.

            Certain elements change, depending on who you are.

MARY-SUES who arrive in singles will follow the basic pattern above.  They may receive their nickname on that day, or it may take a few days until they know you better, but little else changes.

MARY-SUES who arrive in groups (usually of friends) will never be separated.  You will be guaranteed enough room in D-tent, regardless of how many campers are already there.  The only exception to this rule is if a group of seven arrives- then you will receive your own tent and be an extension of D-tent.  Nicknames often stem from inside jokes among the group that are only fleetingly explained and are accepted without question.

MARY-JANES will either challenge Mr. Sir's authority, resulting in a bitter competition for the remainder of the stay, or will stare him down, implying that this is one tough girl who even Mr. Sir doesn't want to deal with.  They will talk back to all the D-tenters, create enemies among other tents, and will deny any attraction they feel for another member of the tent in an attempt to "save herself."  Her nickname will reflect her attitude.

PEGGY-SUES will follow the basic pattern above.  The boys will be attracted to her immediately for her innocence and tranquility.  Her nickname reflects this.

RELATIVES of the Warden do not follow the above pattern.  Upon arrival, they will be taken to the Warden's house, where they will be given some sort of cover-up explanation as to why they are to dig holes.  They may or may not be given the orange jumpsuit or nickname.

You may be wondering about the accommodations at Camp Greenlake.  There are typically two options.

You will remain in the tent with the rest of D-tent.  You will be required to live, change, and sleep in the company of the boys.  You may be given a separate screened off area, but this is unlikely.  You will most likely have to just face the tent wall when changing.  This is the most likely option for Mary-Sues and Mary-Janes. The other option is a separate one-person tent.  This you will keep to yourself.  This is the typical situation for Peggy-Sues and Relatives. 

You will also probably get a special privilege to shower in the Warden's house, or get longer showers.  This is described as being for "girl stuff" which is never explained or rationalized, and makes Mr. Sir extremely jumpy.

Congratulations, you have survived your first day at Camp Greenlake!


	3. Your Tent Mates

Chapter 2 

Your Tent Mates

            By now, it is certain that you have met some of your fellow campers.  It is important to know about those that share your tent in particular, as these are the ones you have for romantic selection.  Following is a description of the D-tenter and the easiest way to initiate/perpetuate a relationship.

_X-ray:_  Leader of the D-tent boys, he is not one to mess with.  Get on his good side early, and you won't have any problems.  He lives by the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" rule, which can come in handy if you get into any trouble with other campers.

Relationships: Best for a Mary-Jane with an eye for those in power.  Find something that he wants (it can be anything from material possession to your gorgeous self) and play it to your advantage.  With X-ray, you're playing a game of chess, and he has the upper hand.  The key is to gain the advantage.  Mary-Janes should find that intimidating Mr. Sir or saving someone from a tight spot are great helps when courting this leader.

_Armpit_:  One of X-rays "lieutenants," he's a smart boy who covers it up by appearing tough.  Most explanations of how he got to CGL involve drugs, since he "fell in with a bad crowd."

Relationships:  There is no information on any relationships with Armpit. To anybody trying, we suggest just be really nice to him.  At least there's nobody to compete with.

_Squid:_  The most common target for any girl at Camp Greenlake.  He has a bad family history, which seems to appeal to girls.  Another of X-rays lieutenants, he just needs some love (or that's what they tell us, at least).

Relationships:  As the most vied for target of any girl, we have compiled the most effective information for winning over the bad boy of camp.

· Choose a stance- either go for the girly girl approach or the rough bad girl equivalent.  Basically, you're a Peggy-Sue or a Mary-Jane.  Either of these should have no problem picking, but Mary-Sues and Relatives have to take sides on this one.

· Work your way in- Mary-Janes should crack jokes, give him as much attitude as he gives you, and make sure he sees you being strong and independent.  Peggy-Sues should always pay attention for cracks in the surface- if you catch him crying one night, this is the perfect opportunity to calm and console.  The listening ear and soothing maternal comfort is what he was missing at home, as he will tell you, and by being the replacement, he's bound to fall for you sooner or later.

· When it comes to kissing, either be bold and aggressive (Mary-Janes) or tender and shy (Peggy-Sues).  Squid fell for you for one of these reasons, and chances are, you can reinforce that image in your kissing.

_Magnet:_  The second most common interest among Mary-Janes, this one got here through shoplifting.  Watch your pockets when you're around him- "his fingers are like little magnets."  He's the one to ask if you need to snitch something from the counselors, campers, or dining hall.

Relationships: It helps if you know Spanish.  Try to connect on the humor level- he's always looking for a laugh.  Flatter his skills as a thief, and you're bound to score points in the ego-boosting department.  As the third to last place in the water line, those above him push him around.  Be nice and take him seriously, so he'll respect you too.

_ZigZag_:  He's crazy.  Watches a broken television. Has a temper when pushed too far, and doesn't like favoritism (unless you're favoring him, of course).

Relationships:  You have to be gentle with this one.  Perfect for Peggy or Mary-Sues.  Don't laugh at him, laugh with him.  Again, a listening ear can help, and really listen to what he says- he might actually make sense.  If you're "watching" TV with him, don't make jokes about it, just sit there quietly.  Ask him questions about himself if you feel up to it, but be serious.  After a while, he may come to trust you, and that's the key.

_Zero_:  Very quiet, often picked on, can't read.  A ward of the state, he lived on the streets before coming to CGL.  The last place in the water line, and also the fastest digger.

Relationships:  Mary-Sues will like the challenge he presents, but Mary-Janes may find him too reclusive and Peggy-Sues may be too shy.  Again, don't make fun of him-make him respect you by respecting him.  Ask how to be a better digger if you think it will work, but don't ask too many questions, or he won't answer you.  Let him talk when he's ready, and listen with an open ear.

_Stanley:_  An innocent boy sent to CGL because of a family curse.  Was picked on a lot at school, and has never had a girlfriend.  Even as he tries to be tough, underneath, he's a good kid.  Zero's best friend.

Relationships:  He's never had a girlfriend, so giving him positive attention will be appreciated.  Listen and be friendly, humor works well too.  If you're both in a playful mood, ask him about his family curse, and joke it off with him.  Good for relatives and Mary-Sues.

_Twitch:  _He might not necessarily be at Camp Greenlake during your stay, but if he is, he's a really jumpy kid.  Probably has ADHD.  Likes cars, _a lot_.

Relationships:  If you can put up with him, ask him about cars.  And we hope you are a really good listener, because he might not stop talking for a while.  Good luck.

            We hope these character analyses help you get a better idea of who you're spending the next six to eighteen months with, and good luck in the wooing!


	4. Digging Holes

**Chapter 3**

Digging Holes

Yes, you WILL have to dig holes at Camp Green Lake.  Sorry, but that's the way it works around here- it can't be all truth-or-dare and flirting behind the mess hall.  After all, you were sent here to dig holes.

Several approaches have been developed to digging holes, and some may work better for you than others.  We suggest you sample as many that appeal to you as you want, and pick one that works the best.  After all- the first holes the hardest.  And the second, and the third, and the fourth...

Approach #1: Honesty is the Best Policy

Dig your own hole every morning.  Use cracks in the dirt to get started.  Take a slow and steady pace.  Drink water frequently.  Lift with your legs, not your back or arms.  Don't throw dirt in anyone else's hole.  Your muscles will develop with time, and everything turns to callus eventually- that's life.

Approach #2: Cheat Like a Stinking Dog

There are different things you can do to cheat.  You can just sit in an already dug hole for the entire day and hope nobody says anything.  Hide under the tent and try to pass off another hole as your own if anyone asks.  You can make it look like you found something, or you can play sick.  Smash your canteen when you know they don't have any left and get off until you get a new one.  Worst comes to absolute worst, take the Barfbag approach- get bit by something.

Approach #3:  Rebel With a Cause

It is difficult to get away with some of these, but if it works, by all means- do it!  Attack Mr. Sir and/or those in control.  Defy the authorities and intimidate everyone (VERY DIFFICULT!).  Stir up a rebellion- if EVERYONE refuses to dig holes, then what are they going to do?  Shoot you all?  Remember- they're only in control if you let them be.  Fight back!  Take a stand!

_Disclaimer: The Holes Canon Authors Revolution Publishing Committee assumes no responsibility for injuries/consequences sustained while attempting any of these suggestions._

Approach #4:  Effective and Romantic at the Same Time! (Our most popular selection!)

Develop your new relationship with the D-tenter of your choice while digging.  There are several ways to go about doing this.  Finish digging first to impress and challenge, finish last to evoke sympathy.  Arrange for your canteen to be smashed so you can ask your interest to share water.  Ask for help, or if necessary, faint in your hole when you know he's watching.  An alternative approach is to offer help to your D-tenter of choice if you see him "struggling" (or at least making it look like he's struggling-this could be a counter-attempt at flirting!)  Strike up lively and playful conversations, sing songs, or share inside jokes.  This is the way you spend most days, and generally the best place to develop any standing relationships, since you spend so much time together here.  Also good to avoid any interruptions by other campers, who are dutifully digging away.

It is important to note that anything you find in your hole has absolutely nothing to do with anything pertaining to you, especially anything emblazoned with the initials "KB" or any palindromes.  Digging holes really does build character.  As a Mary-Sue it is important to keep your focus solely on your relationships and any "developments" of your "character" are to be kept within the sphere of camp life.  The history of the area surrounding Camp Green Lake is of no consequence to you, so don't worry your pretty little head about the mysterious onion cart you passed earlier on the road that disappeared into the swirling dust.  It was probably just a heat hallucination.

Oh, and the Warden isn't looking for anything, either.


	5. The Wreck Room

**Chapter 4**

The Wreck Room

After a hard day's work digging on the lake (or not, in some cases), you'll come back to shower and change.  Now what?  All this free time until dinner can be easily spent doing nothing, or you can head to the center of activity- the Wreck Room.  In this chapter we will provide a guided tour of this area of interaction.

What it is

            The Wreck Room is where all the campers (or most of them, anyway) go to socialize, relax, hang out, or play games after digging is done for the day.  There are a variety of activities to do there.  The members of your tent frequent this place and it is therefore a wonderful opportunity to develop relationships or general friendships among your group.

            Following is a list of different activities available in the Wreck Room, as well as where you can find different members of D-tent and insiders tips.

Bottle-Pin Bowling

            No, this isn't a new version of spin-the-bottle (unfortunately for you).  Located directly to the left of the entrance door, this is the local version of bowling.  A ball is rolled at 2-liter bottles weighted down with sand to create this surprisingly exciting game that, if you bother to keep score, has been known to keep competitions going for days.

_Insider's Tip:  Try to get a league going for an ongoing challenge!_

**Relationship Hot Spot!  Magnet is known to favor this game.  This funny-boy will leave you in stitches as your aim improves with his famous line, "I'd say that's a strike, eh?"**

The Card Table

            Cards aren't easy to come by in a desert, so when someone manages to smuggle in a deck of cards, you'll be lucky if you can get your hands on them for at least a week.  But when you do manage it, you can get in on any number of games, ranging from go fish to poker.  There was a boy once who used cards from several partial decks and got a decent pinochle tournament going that lasted for three days.  Sometimes the boys gamble shower tokens, so if you get double tokens you're in luck.  When not used for cards, this table can be used for writing letters or just chilling.

**Relationship Hot Spot!  Stanley, Squid, and others have been spotted playing cards here.  Ask Squid to teach you his "dice game."**

The Radio

            As far as the boys know, the only part of the boom box that works is the CD player.  Unfortunately, the only two CD's in the camp are The Backstreet Boys, and Thlump owns both of them.  Unless you like the Backstreet Boys, we suggest you steer clear of this area.

_Insider's Tip:  Actually, the radio on the boom box works too, but you only get one station- "Goldie Oldie Country Jams."  Frankly, we'd rather listen to the Backstreet Boys._

The Busted TV

            Zigzag's favorite activity.  The TV doesn't work-someone put their foot through it a long time ago- but you will see him in front of it every single day.  Not much to see here, unless you're interested in Zigzag.

**Relationship Hot Spot!  Just sit with Zigzag.  Don't talk, just...sit.  If you're into X-ray, ask him how the TV broke.  He's been here longer than anyone else, and he probably heard the story from someone who asked somebody who might have heard about it from someone who was there when it happened.  It's actually a very interesting story.**

The Pool Table

            Scratched, carved, dented- for some reason, everyone loves this activity, and more than a couple fights have broken out over who gets it first.  The rules here are always changing, especially with the addition of new scars to the table's surface.  Last we checked, the dent in the middle gave you a free shot.

_Insider's Tip:  Play a game of "I Spy!"  Can you find the following pictures scratched into the surface of the table?_

An owl The word "Help!" The phrase "Dig it." A smiley face (this one is really abstract- search closely!) The phrase "LS was here." Jenny's phone number A heart w/ initials "KB & OS" 

The Couch

            It's old, it smells kinda funky, and there's stuffing falling out of it.  We're sure you can come up with more...ahem...creative uses for it, so we won't waste paper with suggestions.  We're just kind of pointing out that it's there for your, um, benefit.

**Relatio- oh, who are we kidding.  This one is obvious.**

            Remember, the Wreck Room may be, well, a wreck, but it's still where you're going to be spending most of the non-digging portion of the next six to twenty-four months, and it actually can be entertaining if you make the best of what you've got.  Have fun!


	6. Plots and Conflicts

First and only author's note:  You thought I wasn't going to update.  Ha! I lied.  Actually, I wrote this after my Spanish midterm because they wouldn't let me out before a certain time.  Enjoy this little tidbit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

**Chapter 5**

Plots and Conflicts

There are of course many fun things to do at Camp Green Lake once you've gotten past the initial shock of it all.  However, you can only go a maximum of 5 chapters before some sort of a plot develops (scant though it may be).  There are a few types of plots that can show up, but being as it is the sworn duty of Mary-Sues to avoid plots as much as possible, to keep to this code we shall refer to them as "conflicts."  Ahem...like we were saying, there are a few types of "conflicts" that can show up, and in order to aid you in the speedy resolution of such conflicts, we have outlined the most common genres here.

_The Romance_

            This isn't really a conflict for Mary-Sues; it's a way of life.  But things have occasionally gone wrong for the noble race of Sues, and so we shall mention the problems most often encountered.

1.  The Unresponsive D-Tenter:  Sometimes the target of your liking just won't return your affections.  This can occasionally be solved by persistence in the application of energy, namely by re-reading Chapter 2 and working harder at these tips.  If this doesn't work, either work on making him jealous (a good chance to bond with members of other tents), resort to pure sexuality (they ARE guys after all), or just pick a new target.  There's seven male members of D-tent...one of them must like you.

2.  Obstacles in the Relationship:  There might be another jealous boy (unless that was what you were aiming for), some kind of past trauma that prevents your boy from fully "opening up," maybe it's you, or maybe it's BOTH of you.  In this case, you have little to worry about.  It seems that just talking or confronting the issue head on works 99 percent of the time with minimal effort on your part.  Usually the guy does it all himself and you just have to be support.  Then you can get back to what's REALLY important.

3.  Exit, Stage Right:  In this case, either you or the boy leave Camp Green Lake to go home, to jail, or another camp, or one of you dies.  This will be further discussed in the final chapter of the pamphlet.

            Problems more difficult to solve than this rarely arise, and if they do, the author hardly ever finishes updating the story anyway.

_The Everything Else_

            Basically, any problems that have nothing to do with relationships don't have any place in Mary-Sue occupied CGL, but just in case someone springs a fast one on you, here is a basic description of what's going on (it's okay, we were nervous too).

External Conflicts:  These are those things you learned about in English Class- something is challenging you physically and externally.  This has ranged from being trapped in the shower without a towel or soap to yellow-spotted lizards chasing you down.  It could be misplacing your hat and fainting in the heat to threat of abuse from Thlump or fighting with Mr. Sir.  You could be starting a revolution or being kicked around like some sort of servant (Mary-Janes and Peggy-Sues respectively).  Some of these problems are easy to solve and you should have only minimal trouble with them (i.e. "Ah, _here's_ my hat!"), whereas others may take a lot of help (i.e. "X-ray, what am I gonna do about Easy?").  In any event, those that are really tough will probably involve a very contrived action scene that nobody follows, but in which everyone turns out okay.  Again, your primary purpose here is NOT to save lives and resolve other people's problems.  You're here to build some character, remember?  So go find your D-tenter and get building!

***********************************************

_Special Notes for Undercover Agents_

            Yes, we know you're out there, but don't worry, we won't tell.  The secret agent Mary-Sue is the one who lays dormant for a long time, often fooling people into thinking she really is "just another girl at CGL."  It isn't until it's too late does she reveal her Sue-ish nature, and at that point her experiences are too far along to turn back, so she triumphantly finishes first while the author lamely closes the story, ashamed and embarrassed.

(Author? What is this author you keep speaking of?  Frankly, dear Mary-Sues, we just publish what we're told to.  Don't worry about it too much.  Just read.)

Anyway, all you undercover Sues only have to worry at around your third chapter until you get past the seventh.  Every person's experience is different, and it usually takes this long for any romance to develop.  At this point, all your red herring external conflicts, if there are to be any, have been set up.  As you were briefed at your agent meeting, this is to throw everyone off your elusive scent until you strike.  These will resolve in a fast, loud-paced manner and attract a lot of attention so nobody can notice your gradual slide into Sue-dom.  By the time everyone realizes what's going on, it will be too late for the FBI and CIA to do little more than throw in a few punches and snap at your tail.  If the FBI or CIA does catch you before this point, make a run for it.  Your experiences shall be left un-updated for a while, and slip into the recesses of everyone's minds until one day your unfinished mission will be deleted, and you can try again, working for a new agency under a new code name.

_Know Your Enemies_

            The FBI and CIA are the top-most enemies on the list for the Undercover Mary-Sue.  It helps to know who these people are and just what they can do to stop your mission.

**FBI:  Flamers Being Intrusive**

            If you have a low ego, this is the group that will catch you the worst.  They often sneak in, jabbing and jarring in subtle manners under the guise of "giving assistance," "supplying constructive criticism," or the most painful and sneaky of all, the "Beta-reader."  A different approach is when they outright attack you, guns blazing in a furious ranting rave.  This is what gives them the title of Flamer, which they wear with a sadistic sense of pride.  Throw them off the trail by keeping up good spelling habits and displaying remarkable grammar, with a keen eye for formatting and following the conventions of standard written English.  A good investment is to enroll in a Basic English Class (phone number available on the back of this pamphlet), and pile on descriptive phrases and complex sentence structure.

**CIA:  Canonistically Irritated Authors**

            These are the more dangerous in the long run because quite frankly, they know too damn much.  They will nit-pick over the most trivial details, accuse you of being OOC (whatever THAT means, we think it stands for Overly Original and Cute), and will generally harass you about stuff which we do not understand in the slightest.  Most of it pertains to every other person you meet except yourself.  They will get a whole following of other CIA agents to bother you about everything and will make fun of you among each other in their agency headquarters, known as the Posse.  They have also been known to sic trained yellow-spotted lizards on the unsuspecting and careless Mary-Sue.  There is no way to prevent the CIA agent from finding you eventually.  The best thing to do is to maintain a very low profile and keep your mission secret for as long as possible.  Again, if they do find you, abort the mission and wait for the heat to die down before trying again.

Good luck, agent.  Mary-Sues everywhere are counting on you.


	7. The Wildlife and Other Dangers

**Chapter 6**

The Wildlife and Other Dangers

Wildlife should not be something you have to worry about on a daily basis, but they do inhabit the same area, and you will come across them sooner or later, even if it's only in reference to something else. Here is our Wildlife Guide to the creatures at CGL who are not worth having a relationship with.

_The Human Wildlife_

Mr. Sir: The first person you meet at Camp Green Lake, he's as mean as nails. The Warden's head honcho just quit smoking and chews on endless bags of sunflower seeds (not the good kind, though- Spitz are too expensive to import all the way from Canada). Stealing these seeds is a good way to get quickly initiated into D-tent if you're running out of options, your attempts haven't worked, or you are just plain dull. Rumor has it that Mr. Sir has a thing for the Warden, which could be a useful bargaining chip if you can use it right. He carries a gun to shoot Yellow-Spotted Lizards with, eats Colgate sandwiches, nobody gets his jokes or stories, and is just kinda weird, now that we think about it. Just steer clear of him.

_Secret Fact_: Mr. Sir's name is NOT Mr. Sir. We're not sure, though, why a man named Marion is weird- after all, it worked for that boy named Sue...

Dr. Pendanski: A real loser. He wears too much sunscreen on his nose, which should be the first clue. He thinks people can't pronounce his name, but it's not all that hard to say. He's completely nasty to Zero, and is definitely high on our "We-Want-To-Beat-You-With-A-Pointy-Stick" list. He might pretend to be all "hey, buddy, good times," but we don't trust this guy farther than we can throw him.

_Secret Fact_: Guess what? He's not a doctor. Maybe you should throw stuff at him, like rocks. He's the best to make fun of, because he's a complete dork.

Easy and Thlump: Both are unruly bad boys from other tents. They like picking fights and harassing people. Another initiation- save someone's butt from being kicked to Guam, and you might have yourself a new nickname. We don't know what, but here's to hoping it'll be good (we're quite fond of "Crusher" or "Snaps," but that's just us). Anyway, if you're a Peggy Sue or just don't like confrontation, we'd avoid them too.

The Warden: Scary. Like Pendanski, she seems harmless at first (if not a bit obsessed with holes), but don't tick her off. She'll start smacking you around with her toxic-red nails. Now, when we say toxic, that's actually a smart, witty reference to her nail polish which is made from venom, and- oh, what the heck. Ask X-ray. Or Stanley. But whatever you do, DON'T ask Mr. Sir.

_Secret Fact:_ Her grandmother's name was Linda Miller, until she married Trout Walker. Stanley's great-great grandmother's name was Sarah Miller, until she married Elya Yelnats. Coincidence? Makes you wonder... (We suggest that if you happen to be a relative of the Warden, don't make Stanley your romantic interest. Just to be safe.)

_The Animal Wildlife_

Scorpions: These guys are everywhere. They live in everything. They won't really hurt you, even if you get stung. It will swell and hurt pretty bad for a few days, but you won't die. Pick them up by the last segment behind their tail so they can't sting you. Wear shoes all the time, though, and stamp around outside the shower (just don't do it naked, like X-ray does. Unless that's your thing...)

Rattlesnakes: Basically, Mr. Sir's advice works with snakes: You don't bother them, they won't bother you. Usually. If you're bit, keep the wound below your heart level, tie it off tourniquet style, and do that suck-and-spit thing if you can. At least, you might be out for a day, while at most you might be air-lifted to the hospital. In that case, enjoy your day-trip. Drink some milk, watch TV, visit Barf-bag (if you can find him). You'll probably be back in a day or so, so take advantage of the down-time while you can.

Yellow-Spotted Lizards: Our personal favorite here at the Holes Canon Authors Revolution Publishing Committee. They run, they jump, they hiss, they eat hair, they bite- oh man, do they bite- and they infest holes that are also occupied by treasure chests…um…that is, five-by-five foot holes. If you're bitten by one, you have anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes to live (depending on how long your goodbye speech to your love is). But they rarely EVER show up for Mary-Sues, and even if they do, you can prevent biting by eating a lot of onions, because they don't like onion blood. However, beware of the ones that wear mascot T-shirts- those will attack any Mary-Sue in sight. Each one has eleven spots, and you can probably have a really interesting conversation with Zigzag about them.

Various Other Nasties: These include tarantulas, little bugs or gnats, anything that is basically harmless, but just annoying. You probably won't see too many of these, unless they're crawling on you.

_Other Stuff to Watch Out For:_

Dehydration: Just make sure to drink lots of water in small sips over time, and don't finish what you have until you see the water truck.

Sun Poisoning: That's why they give you a hat, fool. Use it.

Heat Exhaustion: Don't over-exert yourself, take breaks every now and then, and for those anorexics out there- DON'T skip lunch. Eat it all, especially the fruit. Rest helps you work better, and utilize the shade in your hole as well. Get a lot of digging done early so as not to be too stressed during the hottest part of the day.

Other Campers: Don't take too much crap from them. You shouldn't go looking for a fight, of course, but as a Mary-Sue, you usually have the rest of D-tent backing you up, conveniently. Just don't let them sexually harass you or whatever (and they probably will try. Set them straight early on).

Tent Doors: Cheeky little bastards they are. Don't get hit in the face by one, it takes a few days to heal.

Jason: We're not sure why Jason is a primary danger at a co-ed Camp Green Lake (oh wait, actually, we do know why...), but we're told this in particular has something to do with a rather funny true story that happened last Halloween. You should check it out.

If you can brave these dangers, dear Mary-Sue, then you can mail in the order form at the back of this pamphlet and receive a FREE T-shirt from our associates, which displays the motto: I SURVIVED CAMP GREEN LAKE! On the back, it shows a checklist, with all of the above dangers listed, and each box checked off to show that not only are you a seasoned veteran and survived (i.e. you did not encounter) CGL, but you have a sense of humor (and twenty dollars to spare)!

To accommodate all Mary-Sues, the following sizes are available: XS, S.

Cost: The shirt is free, but with government, state, and county taxes, shipping and handling, copyright fees, labor fees, manufacturing, import tax, to defray publishing and paper costs, and some extra money you have to pay just because we authors need it, the total cost comes to $29.99.


	8. Truth or Dare

Ha! The canon auhtor has returned! What happened to my beautiful section of fanfiction? Its all overrun by people fighting and creating "old author" clubs and god knows what else. W/e. Anyway, sorry about the insane delay. But Im winding down the fic. 2 chapters to go. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 7  
**

Truth or Dare

This ritual is the single most important aspect of camp life. No Mary-Sue has gone through the mighty fortress that is CGL without playing at least one round of Truth or Dare. How is this possible? Read our handy, comprehensive chapter on this well-played, extensively popular subject!

The Basics

_"Truth or Dare is a favorite pastime among youngsters today. This fascinating game is played by an individual selecting either Truth or Dare. If Truth is selected, the conductor of the round must ask of the player ONE question. This question may range from a trivia question to a personal confession (for obvious reasons, the latter option is more popular). The player must then answer the question truthfully, and as quickly as possible, or public ridicule may occur (public ridicule may occur anyway as result of the answer supplied)._

_If the player selects the choice Dare, the conductor of the round must then come up with some sort of physical activity for the player to perform. As the age of the players increases, the trouble-meter or sensuality-meter of the suggested Dares will increase exponentially. The player must then perform the suggested Dare to the best of their ability._

_It is an unwritten but tacit rule that the player MUST under ALL CIRCUMSTANCES tell the Truth or perform the Dare. However, no mention is made of what is to befall those who lie do not perform the task. Presumably they are bound and gagged for two hours, then fed to wild sea carp, but these rumors are unsubstantiated and just plain silly._

_But then again, they never did find Johnny Two-Tone."_

-Excerpted from the _Games for Seduction _chapter of The Mary-Sue Training Handbook.

As the above passage indicates, Truth or Dare is not a game to be taken lightly. This is a sacred ritual, passed down from camper to camper, Sue to Sue. The game can come in many subtle forms, however, so keep your eyes open for it.

The Forms

_The Classic:_ The formal version. Identified by someone announcing, "Lets play Truth or Dare." Usually played with your entire tent (and the additional tent, if you are there with your group of friends) in the evening, after lights out. Were not exactly sure when "lights out" is, or if there even is a curfew, but well leave that to your best judgment. Youre the one waking up at 4:30, not us.

_The Singles Portion:_ Played between you and your romantic interest. Can be played anywhere, usually while digging, or before everyone returns from the lake. Usually rated PG-13 and up, depending on your preferences.

_History Lesson:_ An impromptu version, often unmentioned but mutually understood. Used as a way to learn the troubled past of one or more of the D-tenters, romantic interests included.

_Challenges:_ Only the Dare portion of the game, used to further romantic interest, provide rollicking entertainment, or foil bad guys.

The Horrid Truths

Truth is not the most common choice. This is usually used by cowards. After all- when in doubt, chicken out. Part of the reason this is picked is because people have hard times coming up with questions better than "Who do you like?" and "Who do you think is the hottest person here?" These questions, while often asked or expected of Mary-Sues and D-tenters, can get boring if there is a lack of Dares or the game has been going for a while. This portion of the game is usually used for entertainment and romantic interests.

A note on lying:

Lying gets you nowhere. It is useless to lie- your interest(s) will figure it out eventually. You might as well get it out in the open as soon as possible and quicken the pace. There are other Sues on the waiting list to get in, you know. Speed through your romance by making your affections known, for this is an excellent place to do it. Nobody else lies, and nobody can tell when you lie, so that takes all the fun out of it. Besides, when your romance does take place, they will all know you lied. Lying gets you fed to wild sea carp, which is really, REALLY uncomfortable. So just dont do it.

The Dashing Dares

This is the REAL reason people play the game.

Truth or Dare, by definition, is suggested by the Mary-Sue herself, and is done so in an attempt to cheapen herself so that she is more attractive to her romantic interest(s). There is nothing more appealing to a boy than a girl squealing and giggling at the exploits of others. Dares are also a great way to come in close physical contact with your interest, form tight "inside jokes" with the group, or prove your worth through a risky dare. Many a nickname has emerged from such dares.

Some dares you (or others) may be asked to perform are:

-sing and/or dance

-imitate someone

-dress in drag

-a dangerous stunt (ex: walk around outside after dark, harass Thlump, etc.)

-say something embarrassing to Dr. Pendanski or Mr. Sir (less frequently, the Warden)

-steal something (from another tent, the mess hall, a counselor, etc.)

-kiss your crush

-kiss someone elses crush (#)

-perform other physical activities that cause embarrassment and/or present an imminent threat to your person

These are only a few of the dares that can be presented to you upon playing. Your options are limited only by the creativity of the members of your tent. It is a general rule that the funniest Dares are suggested by or to a Mary-Sue, and any actions of romantic development are suggested by a third party.

_(#) Disclaimer: This particular Dare can pose a serious threat to relationships, friendships, and your health, especially if attending with a large group of Mary-Sue friends. Side effects can include nausea, dizziness, catfights, small and large-scale wars, and death. We assume no responsibility for any of these._

_But we do sell pills to offset the death effects. See back page of pamphlet._

Multiple Games and Variations

Chances are you wont be just playing one game of Truth or Dare. Some Mary-Sues do nothing more than play this game constantly and never have to dig holes or anything (at least its never mentioned, anyway). If this is the case, congratulations! You are one of the lucky few.

Unfortunately, we cant all be perfect. But never forget: Mary-Sues come so damn close, its scary!© The rest will probably expect to play anywhere between two to five games. Anything more than this falls into the above category. If you have only played once, hurry up! A Mary-Sue is considered close to a failure if they have only one game under their belt. Suggest it in the quiet evenings when your tent is relaxing before bed. Youd be surprised how eager they are to play. Dont be shy. Shy girls finish last. Or was it nice girls with a sense of humor? Whatever.

Those of you who play Truth or Dare as your primary form of entertainment will probably be looking for variations on the game to make it more...lively. Here are just a few tried and true methods to shake things up.

"Copycat": Dares must all be performed acting like a certain person. Ex: Walk like a chicken, while being Mr. Sir. Sing the alphabet as Britney Spears. Etc.

"American Idol": All Dares must involve singing, which are then rated by the other tent-members. No exceptions.

"Celebrity Showdown": All Truths must pertain to celebrities (ex: What celebrity would you like to be? If everyone in the room were a celebrity, who would you have a crush on?) All Dares must contain overdramatic responses, acting, or imitating a celebrity.

"Animal Farm": All actions and responses must be done while acting like some kind of animal. Farm or domestic animals are recommended for easier play. Those up for a challenge can try giraffes, turtles, and llamas.

"Strip Truth or Dare": Self-explanatory. Recommended as a couple-oriented activity. Not for campers/Mary-Sues under age 17. Wait until much, MUCH later in relationships for this. Please. For everyones sake.

Truth or Dare is what you make of it. It is probably going to be the highlight of your Camp experience, and possible the most memorable as well (excluding your crush). Enjoy this tradition, and remember that what happens at CGL stays at CGL. (#)

_(#) Except for stuff that doesnt stay at CGL, which will be discussed in the next chapter._


	9. Documentation

**Chapter 8**

Bringing Home the Prize- and Bragging About It

It is of course every Mary-Sue's ultimate dream to succeed in everything she does. Every girl has the natural talent within her, but only the few can harness it for the betterment of themselves. Mary-Sues are naturally good at everything they attempt to do, and, in fact, usually the best. Unlike most CGL campers, there is no one stronger and tougher, or skinnier and prettier than you. You are the best. And that is why you should strive to succeed at success in CGL.

And, naturally, what Mary-Sue doesn't want to document her experiences and share them with the world? Whether in attempt to "help" those less fortunate by impressing them with your superior writing skills, to entertain with witty and sensual anecdotes, or merely to show off your awesomeness, it is most likely that you will construct a memoir of your days at CGL. These are easily posted on the internet, used to ensure people read your accounts and say, "Now _there_ is a person I would love to meet! How I wish I were her!"

However, there are many girls in situations much like yours, and they all claim to be "something different." While we see no reason to emulate originality, it can be a bit of complicated to compete against thousands of other Mary-Sues. Since you're the best, it shouldn't be too difficult to make your memoir the absolute favorite; however, it never hurts to be safe.

What follows is a checklist of items to ensure maximum "Sue-ish-ness" and complete success in your records of the CGL experience, in order that your stories may be entertaining, review-worthy, and exactly the same as everybody else's ideal in Sue qualities.

1. You fall into one of the categories (but ideally more) as listed in the beginning of the pamphlet and are quickly and definitively defined as such. Your language will be a quick revealer of which category you fall under, if there is any doubt- Mary-Janes usually swear, Peggy Sues stammer or say very little despite having racing thoughts about their particular love interest, etc.

2. The boys notice you immediately after you (or they) exit the bus. They are instantly "drawn to you" at least physically, regardless of how they may choose to behave towards you for most of the story. Even if you're a raging psychopath, all seven will at least be in concurrence that you are really hot.

3. A description of your wardrobe and appearance (hair/eye color, etc) is an ABSOLUTE MUST.

4. You have a nasty or flippant attitude towards Mr. Sir and Dr. Pendanski, dig holes either fastest or slowest, and easily and readily adapt to being the sole female in a camp of boys (unless your friends came with you).

5. You make some sort of "punk" or "ghetto" connection. You reject "society standards" by describing something "controversial" you have done to test everyone's limits. This could range from yelling at a boy (something 'refined' girls wouldn't do) to having gay friends back home or having had an abortion.

6. You overestimate the significance of your actions, make huge deals over something like having an opinion, yet commonly stereotype others to appear more "punk/ghetto."

7. Inside jokes are required. Explanations are frowned upon.

8. You MUST play Truth or Dare (which leads to romantic involvement, of course!) and defend the necessity of its appearance in your memoir.

9. All romantic activities must be explained and discussed. If you're not going to kiss-and-tell, there's really no need for you to be there in the first place, now is there?

10. Your romantic interest has mutual feelings for you, and you kiss at least once (preferably more).

11. If they do not have mutual feelings, there must be a clearly stated, explicit reason they do not return your favors.

12. The situation described in number 11 must be remedied ASAP.

13. There is no character development, unless you are dating Squid. In this case, he is allowed to open up to you and become less hostile. But nothing else.

14. When we say nothing else, we mean it. Character development is punishable by death.

15. You squeal at least thrice. (see footnote)

These topics are always ones you should include in your memoirs. This is the way to evaluate your performance at CGL. Never worry about your success- it is guaranteed by the Code of Sues. The only thing that could possibly be a cause to worry would be other Sues, but this is unlikely. You will always have "the best 'girl at CGL' memoir" of all, particularly if you followed this handbook. After all, Mary-Sue spelled backwards is Eusy-Ram, which doesn't really mean anything, but sounds pretty cool.

This also serves as a summary of the pamphlet, since if you have read the entire thing through, you should be arriving at CGL soon enough. However, we strongly urge you to read the final chapter of our pamphlet- your exit from Camp Green Lake.

Footnote: "thrice" means "three times."


	10. Exit, Stage Right

**Chapter 9**

Your Exit From CGL

This is it, Sues. You've slaved in the hot sun (or not), you've faced off with Mr. Sir and Dr. Pendanski, you've wooed your man, and you're ready to go home and write that memoir!

The real question is not how you're going to exit, of course, but in true Sue style, the question is how this will affect your love! There are several options open to you for your exit. Below are the different methods that are most commonly used, and how they can affect you and your boy.

_Sentence Up_

Your sentence is served, and you go home. After a touching moment with your boy, you make him promise not to forget you, and to come for you when he is released.

All follow-up reports on this method of exiting confirm that your boy remains faithful to you despite the wiles of other invading Sues, and it has been known to result in eventual marriage. This is in accordance with the tendency of real-life teen romances to last forever.

_Not Guilty!_

You are released, but because it was determined that you were innocent of the crime you committed, because, as we all know, the government frequently makes grievous errors by accidentally convicting teenaged girls of capital crimes and then sending them to all-boys-camps in the middle of Texas desert.

Especially when they're not from Texas.

_Fugitive_

You run away from camp, with or without your bf.

Probably not such a good idea. Just a hunch.

_A Final Goodbye_

You die. Your goodbye to your boy can take anywhere from a minute to ten minutes, depending on method of death and length of goodbye speech. See Trinity's death scene in "The Matrix 3" for an example.

Popular methods of death include being bitten by yellow-spotted lizards and taking a bullet intended for the love of your life, shot by either Mr. Sir or the Warden. Being killed by other campers has been known to happen, but is unlikely.

In all cases, your sweetie-pie will avenge your fatal wound, then cradle you tenderly in his arms as you both make your farewells and confessions of affection.

Although it is never discussed, if your boy DOES go on to date other girls, he will always love you best, and probably name his first daughter after you, which is not creepy or sleazy in anyway.

Well, Sues, there you have it. We hope you have found this pamphlet both informative and useful. The Canon Author's Publishing Guild put as much time, effort, and research into this project as you certainly put into your memoirs, and we wish you the best of luck during your stay at Camp Green Lake. Stay Sue-ish above all, and remember: the first hole maybe the hardest, but even if nobody else is, your boy is on your side.


End file.
